Teaching Others About Our Grief

We cannot expect others to understand how we feel after the death of a child, especially if they have never gone through it. Sometimes we get angry at how friends or relatives react and respond to us. They don’t know what to say or how to say it and often they say it wrong, not meaning to be cruel, but not knowing any better.

We have a choice. We can be bitter and resentful to others or we can help them understand and be part of our grief journey. What follows are what I call “10 Grief Lessons for Others.” By sharing these lessons with those close to you, a new level of understanding between you and others can help you down that long difficult road to recovery.

BE THERE FOR ME. If you are my friend, reach out, talk to me, hold my hand, hug me. Know that even though we may say we are all right, we will never be all right again.

WE ARE DIFFERENT. Understand that what has happened will change us forever and if you are my friend, you will accept me for what I have become, for who I am now, a person with different goals and different priorities. What was once important to me may no longer have any meaning.

BE A GOOD LISTENER. We want above all else to talk about our children. To us, they will always be alive in our hearts, and we don’t want others to forget them either. Don’t be afraid to mention their names in our conversations. They were real people at one time, even though they are no longer with us. They had hopes and dreams we’d still like to share with others. Please don’t pretend they never existed.

NO ONE ELSE KNOWS HOW I FEEL. We all grieve differently, even husbands and wives. Please don’t tell me you know how I feel. You don’t. Rather than asking me, “How are you feeling?” ask me “What are you feeling?” I can probably give you a more honest answer.

I MAY GRIEVE FOR A VERY LONG TIME. There is no set time limit to my grief. It may take me two years; it may take me five years. I have to do what is comfortable for me. Be patient. I will do the best I can in whatever amount of time it takes.

KEEP IN TOUCH. Call me once in a while. I promise to do the same. Invite me to lunch or to a movie. I will eventually go, because I will eventually feel better. Don’t give up on me and don’t forget me. I am trying to do the best I can right now.

I MAY CRY AT TIMES IN FRONT OF YOU. Please don’t be embarrassed, and I won’t be either. Besides being a natural emotion, crying is also a cleansing emotion. By crying I can relieve a lot of anger, frustration, guilt and stress. And best of all, I feel much better after a good cry.

I PUT A MASK ON FOR THE PUBLIC. Don’t assume just because I am functioning during the day that I am “over it.” I will never get “over it.” I try to function normally because I have no other choice. You should see me when the day is over, and I am in the privacy of my own home and free to let my emotions out. My day mask comes off and I am just a mother, aching for her child.

SOME DAYS MAY BE OVERWHELMING. The slightest thing can trigger a bad time. It can be a song, a place I go, a holiday, a wedding or even smells or sounds. If I break down and start crying or seem to be in another world, it is because I am thinking of my child and longing for what I will never have again.

LET ME DO WHATEVER MAKES ME HAPPY. Don’t think me strange if I want to go to the cemetery a lot, if I want to buy a brick in honor of my child in every new building in town, or if I want to try to get new laws passed to keep this world safe for our children. I may need to try different things before I find what will be right for me in my new life. Encourage me to reach for the stars.

We will never forget our children. The pain never leaves. It just softens a little with time. We eventually function again, feel hope again, find joy in our lives. It is a long road that we travel, but with the help of friends and relatives who understand a little of how we feel and what we are going through, perhaps that road will lead to new paths to enrich our lives in new ways we never dreamed were possible.



                    STATS FROM A RECENT STUDY:
**19% of parents in the United States have lost a child, any age, any cause.
**Causes of a child's death: miscarriage (43%), illness (27%), accidents (13%), stillbirths (11%), undetermined (5%), SIDS (4%), suicide (3%) and murder (2%). (Note: percentages may be slightly off due to multiple deaths in one family.)
** Most helpful to grieving parents are: family (66%), clergy (12%), friends (11%), books (2%), support groups (2%) and therapists (2%).
** Age of child at time of death: 30% are less than 1 year old, 30% are over 30 years old and the rest fall in between, the largest category being 17% between 22-30 years old.

         

       WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A BEREAVED PARENT:
"She's in a better place."
"At least she isn't suffering."
"God never gives you more than you can bear."
"This too shall pass."
"You must stay strong for your other children."
"You have to go on, life is for the living."
"Try to think positive."
"You have to snap out of it."
"Get over it."
"I know how you feel. My dog died last year."
"There are people who are worse off than you are."
"I understand."
"Crying won't bring him back."
"It's too sad to even talk about."
"Time will heal your hurt."
"Aren't you over it yet."
"At least you have another child."
"You can have more children."
"Why don't you get a God to help you through."

                   WHAT YOU SHOULD TRY TO DO
Remember her/him to the parents.
Let the parents talk if they want to.
Send a card or note.
Give a gift certificate to a restaurant.
Give hugs.
Cry with the bereaved parent.
Not giving a response is okay. Just be there for them.
Praying for the parents or child that was lost is comforting.
Offer to help them with daily tasks when visiting.
Light a candle at holidays.
Attend a memorial service or encourage parents to have one for the child.
Plant a tree in the child's name or give to a charity in the child's name.
Take the parent to lunch.
Encourage parent to start a scholarship.
Write a poem for the parents.
Always acknowledge the child's birthday.
Accept that the parents are different.
Respect their grieving time.
Make sure the parents take care of themselves physically.
Help when possible with the siblings.
Encourage person to seek a support group if right for them.
Write a memory down or thought about the child for the parent and bring over when visiting.
Just say, "I'm sorry."

                  REVIEWS OF THE BOOK
"This book will be immensely helpful to people who have suffered the loss of a child, no matter the age. To read about others who share their stories will be an experience that both validates and supports. Mental health workers will also find this book a valuable resource that offers hope and understanding for those who need it most." Joan Silver, M.S., retired psychotherapist

"Nothing in life prepares one for losing a child. But for those of us who have lost a child, there is much to learn from the shattered worlds of the parents who have come before us. This book opens a window into the post-death lives of 24 parents who have lost a child or multiple children. Parents whose children have died often feel very alone. If you are such a parent, this book will help you to see how much you have in common with other parents, and will give you a glimpse into how you might develop a meaningful future out of today's darkness." Bernard Faller, bereaved father

"After my 4-year-old son died, I almost immediately began reading books on healing. I found this book with its insights of so many parents to be of great comfort to me. Knowing that I was not alone in this sea of uncertainty was so helpful." Alison Roberto, bereaved mother

"Even though I am not a bereaved parent I found this book valuable on many levels. It gave me ideas on how to treat bereaved parents I meet. In addition, it helped me to understand the wide range of reactions and emotions experienced by bereaved parents during their journey through the grief process." Jill Garcia, parent

"Sandy Fox not only introduced us to her own dear daughter, Marcy, but also to the children of several others in a moving yet objective manner. She showed how grief irrevocably changes the survivor, and yet how those survivors can also come out on the other side of grief to eventually lead a new life. This is a book that will help me say what I otherwise would not have been able to say to some friends who have lost children. Through the words of other parents, I pray it will help them heal as little else could." Gayle Feldman, parent

"Learning that parents who have lost a child were able to find joy again is what we all need to hear, particularly those who have had trouble getting on with their lives." Janet Wilcox, bereaved parent

"When a Mom or Dad finds himself or herself thrust into the desperate world of hopeless heartbreak, any endeavor is nearly impossible. Reading, understanding or remembering what you read is a monumental task. When the motivation to seek answers, information or insight peeks through the stifling sadness, then Sandy Fox has written a book that will help. It is easy to read. It is sad. It is full of hope. Practical suggestions exist within its pages put forward by parents that have had children die too soon, from every cause, at every age. There are stories from 25 different situations that range in length from a few pages to never more than eight, so the reading is short and to the point. You can put the book down and return without feeling lost. Sandy also tells her 'Marcy' story as only a parent who has suffered life"s greatest loss can recount. It is like sitting at a Compassionate Friends meeting in private. This book can help." Pat O'Donnell, bereaved parent

"...In her book Ms Fox reveals the similarity of the pain parents suffer when a child dies and the many and varied ways they dealt with it. It is an enlightening study of grief and redemption, of anger and epiphany...What catches the reader's attention is the simplicity and honesty with which she and those she interviewed reveal their deepest and, sometimes, darkest pain. The result is an enlightening and emotional journey that leaves one both aching for these people and applauding their strength and courage." Elizabeth Burton, author